I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

MAKING A BABY

From Shiraz Virani (AKS Dar-Es-Salaam - 1968)

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!-- 

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'   

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'   

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'   

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'   

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 

  

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

  

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'   

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?' 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 

'Tripod?' 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' 

Mrs. Smith fainted

Overheard in New York | If Being Agreeable Will Get Me Laid, Sure.

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/017876.html

If Being Agreeable Will Get Me Laid, Sure.

College girl: So, where are you from?
Indian guy: I'm from Bombay.
College girl: Is that, like, close to Pompeii?

--F Train

Guju letters sent to Leicester council

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council and Housing associations written by Gujaratis:

1.  I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 

2.  I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3.  And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4.  I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 

5.  I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6.  Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7.  I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 

8.  The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9.  Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10.  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 

11.  I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

12.  The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 

13.  Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14.  I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 

15.  Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

Four Worms and a Lesson to be learned

Facts about the Human Body

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  
• One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 
• The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. 
• Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men. 
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 
• Women reading this will be finished now. 
• Men are still busy checking their thumbs
  

Overheard in New York - Catching the Subway

Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.

--Uptown 6 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!

--C Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.

--Uptown A Train

Overheard by: queen

Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.

--1 Train

Overheard by: RG

Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.

--Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vedant

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)

--Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: amused passenger

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

--Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"

--Macy's, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

--1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?

--Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."

--96th & Columbus Ave